A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

The CIA advertised for new recruits. Three men answered and went to the office for an interview. After filling out their applications, they were taken one at a time into another room where the interviewer told them: "One of the requirements for joining the CIA is that you have to prove your loyalty to us. We want you to take this gun, go in the other room and shoot your wife!" Startled, the first job seeker replied: "I cannot do that, we just got married!" The interviewer then told him that he was sorry but that he would not receive a job offer. The second applicant was then taken into the room and given the same proposal, to which he answered: "I cannot do that. We have been married 10 years and we have two lovely children!" At that point, he was turned away also. The last applicant was presented with the ultimatum in the same monotone to which he replied: "Sure, I will do it!". He marched into the other room. Shots were fired and then noise came from the room as if a brawl were ensuing, including loud screams, kicking and thumping. The interviewee returned to the room where he was asked what had happened. He said: "Some jerk put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"

HAZARDOUS MATERIAL INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

*WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS*

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 188lb but known to vary from 100 to 550lb.
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with painted film,
2. Boils at nothing, freezes with reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, platinum & Precious Stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no good reason.
4. Insoluable in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure speciman turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better speciman.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with eachother.

HANDLE AT YOUR OWN RISK

One day on the golf course a foursome was ready to tee off when a funeral procession was seen approaching. One member of the foursome took his hat off and bowed his head as the cars and hearse drove by. Another of the golfers said to him, "Well, that was very nice and respectful of you to do that." "Well," he replied, "I was married to her for twenty years."

Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?...."